I am suffering from EXTREME EXCIETY!!!!!

So I made it through Christmas and New Year without blogging about how completely shit it was sitting around watching everyone else eat the feast of a lifetime as I slurped VEGETABLE SOUP!!!! While I complain about the food, there was an upside....its much easier to get your holiday drunk on when your stomach is empty, so while I say managed to avoid blogging, it would be more accurate to say that I was too full of Christmas Cheer and not enough Christmas Pudding to be literate enough to type a sentence.

Anyway.....

I have managed to gain back the 5kgs I lost just prior to Christmas...

I am 173cm tall and I like to weigh 65kg. Thanks to the heat and my eating issues I was down to 51.2kg, I was seriously worrying about my mortality. I did not know how I was going to cope with no teeth, a limited appetite after the operation and the extreme heat and humidity in Thailand. I decided that I had to gain weight and fast. I know you are supposed to gain weight in a healthy way, slowly and with good nutritional foods. But I had to gain it fast and the only voice I could hear, as any proud "Simpson" lover would admit, was Dr Nick Riviera's

“And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.  If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain.” – Dr. Nick 

If Homer Simpson could do it so could I....

My other medical issues make eating fat very difficult, certain other intolerances mean I will throw up or have other severe and rather unpleasant side effects to a variety of foods.

Today I weight 56.8kg, I've gained over 5kgs in 2 weeks... I'm thanking soggy hot chips with gravy, ice cream with chocolate topping, mashed potato with butter and milk, pasta with creamy bacony sauce, coconut cream curries and cheesecake in small amounts but at frequent intervals. Bad for me...really yummy....making me fat...YAY!!!! I'm going to keep this up to maximize my fat stores. I want to have as much weight on me as I can so I don't end up emaciated if I cant eat.

So now, my dentist fears, my flying fears (I've not watched one Air Crash Investigations since I decided not to) and now my "dying of starvation" fears have all been, somewhat, addressed I'm just left to count down the days and count up my spending money.

I cant believe how emotional this has been so far and the emotions are really hard to explain, but I'll try.

The other day on Facebook I commented that this was more exciting than having babies and getting married, more exciting than anything ever in my life. At first I didn't really know why except that it was, but I've really been thinking hard and now I know why.

I always WANTED to get married.

I always WANTED to have babies.

This is not a WANT. This is a fundamental NEED.

It was a NEED that I would not recognise for my own mental health because I thought it was a need that would never ever be fulfilled and that is soul destroying. It is so mind blowing to me that now in such a short space of time the biggest problem in life will be gone forever!

I am so excited that I randomly giggle when I think about what lays ahead.....

But I also have extreme moments of anxiety, but not about the surgery, about dumb things like making sure I have a hand sanitizer bottle in each bag, getting lost, whether the camera in my phone will work without a SIM,  having my drink spiked...silly things that I know aren't important or wont happen but for some reason I fixate on.

Overall though, I am on a high.

Another thing I've worked out is that I have not smiled, you now one of those smiles you cant help but get and your face starts hurting cause it wont go away, in ages, but in the last week its been there more often than not. I am so happy just thinking about this...I cannot imagine the joy Ill feel when its done.

I've named my new emotion Exciety its when you are equally excited and anxious you don't know if you should laugh or scream...

Not long now..