Are You There God?.....Its Me, Susie......

I said from the very start that this blog would be about my personal journey through this adventure. I have thought alot about writing this particular piece because I do not want to alienate or offend, what I want is to be is honest.

This "essay" is not about the existence or non existence of God or if your beliefs or my beliefs are wrong or if I'm going to hell and you're going to heaven. This is about me. I ask that you read this with an open mind and an understanding that this is my view on the world and so impacts my story.

I am an atheist. Loud, proud, don't you dare say "I'll pray for you" lest you want me to ask you to do something meaningful and useful, like scrub my toilet, type atheist. I am considering the possibility that I may actually be an anti-theist...I can hear some of you screaming "HEATHEN SCUM"!!!! Quiet down the neighbours are trying to sleep....keep on reading....

AGAIN THIS IS MY WORLD VIEW.  I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO OFFEND OR UPSET YOU.

As I have said before I have been unwell for many many years. I have at times been gravely ill and my mortality was staring at me in the mirror. At no point in my life have I ever blamed "God" for my illnesses or other trials I've faced nor have I praised "God" for any good fortune. Basically I have always viewed "God" as a "hog tie" to the advancement of human intelligence and civilisation with nothing to offer except paranoia and fear.

The above paragraph is what makes what happened to me last week very very disturbing.

I had been so excited about getting this work done, it was like I was living in this fluffy, sugary world of perfect. So, as I explained in my previous post, a low was expected, and I blogged.

The problem is it just kept getting worse...

An intense desire grew inside me. I wanted someone to tell me they had my back and all of this was going to be OK, that I should stop freaking out because this will be as amazing as I hope it will be and actually have the power to make it so. I began to ponder, who can give me this assurance? I thought about other people and what they do when they feel like they are 2 and are lost at the shops and cant find mummy or daddy, except they are 35 and a parent themselves......the answer for the majority of people would be GOD....

I began to think how nice it would be to have faith that there was a supreme being taking care of me, watching over me, keeping me safe. I get this God thing....its what will fulfil your need when you feel vulnerable - if you'll let it.

While I know that everything proved so far in the known universe shows beyond a reasonable doubt there is no "God" as worshipped by main stream religion,  this is what fear can do to an intelligent person, who believes that "Science" should be a religion and churches be sold off, knocked down and converted to apartment blocks.

I was so deluded by fear I did something that my rational self would find delusional.

I went to a church.....I prayed......I lit a candle.....mind you I was updating my Facebook status with the prayer I was saying while I was in the pew, so my irreverent disrespect for the sanctity of the cathedral wasn't too far away....beautiful building though....

So this was my prayer

"Dear God,I am giving you this one last chance. I don't believe in you because I really do think I'm too smart for this, but I need something, I need to know this will all be OK. So now is your chance. Prove to me you care, provide me with a sign, now, by sign I mean you appear to me and give me a hug. None of this dream shit, I want a real life honest experience, I really would like to know that something bigger than I was keeping me safe.I even lit a fucking candle and put it near Mary.So Lord if you are out there and you care, prove it, I challenge you.Amen"

I was 100% sincere, I think - I was an emotional mess, I was not being sarcastic or "taking the piss" I was really just a scared little girl wanting to feel protected.

Needless to say, God never showed.....still hasn't.................maybe he is upset because I swore......

But you know who did show up.....Pete Murray.....

There is a song I like to dedicate to myself when I'm feeling depressed. Its a song that I say is from the happy rational strong part of me to the weak struggling part. I love the lyrics.

This song represents to me, my reality, that the only person we can rely on is ourself. There is no divine plan, no heaven, no hell. Shit just happens and you are the master of your destiny.

That afternoon I heard this song 3 times.

There is no God there is only me, and I can do this!